By: Dick Edwards
Retired Mayo Clinic Eldercare Specialist, Speaker, and Author of “Mom, Dad… Can We Talk? Insight and Perspectives to Help Us Do What’s Best for Our Aging Parents” and “My Grandparent: A Life & Times Journal for Grandchildren of All Ages.”
Note to self: Spend more time with Mom, with Dad. They’re getting older.
Adult children, consider this: A universal hallmark of aging is loss. As we age we lose vision, hearing, smell and taste. We can lose memory, physical strength, energy and stamina. We lose status and self-esteem. We lose relationships dear to us for decades, as friends and loved ones die. As we age we lose independence, control and options.
Losses associated with aging can arrive abruptly or gradually and in varying degrees. But they are certain to arrive. Sad but so, aging is loss and no one likes to lose. That’s why it’s no surprise that Dad digs in his heels when there is talk of giving up the car or Mom refusing to relinquish control of the severely unbalanced checkbook – their symbols of independence.
Amidst all that is lost as we age one thing is never lost: The need to be needed. It’s ageless and expires only with the last breath of life.
Older adults who feel connected with family, friends and the world around them do better than those who don’t feel connected or needed. That’s because it gives them a sense of purpose and of feeling needed. Social isolation and feelings of loneliness are the enemies of the elderly.
So, adult children, keep your parents engaged and active, in a word: Needed.
OK, but how?
Get perspective.
We know how this ends and we know there are no do-overs. In the end we want to be the adult child with no regrets.
Be intentional.
Too often at this stage in our lives our time with aging parents is transactional. We come to “do” something. Take her to an appointment. Get groceries. Run to the bank. Do a load of laundry. Check his medications. Rush to get things done. Sure, things have to get done, but don’t make them the top priority. Move from the transactional to the relational – let the precious time together be about your parent. Focus on them.
Keep it simple.
The time you spend with your parents doing simple things can mean the most. Try for a balance of the scheduled and the spontaneous. It can be a combination of in-person visits, phone conversations, letters, even e-mails. Skype with them and include grandchildren. I know of six cousins who have each committed a day per week to calling and visiting with their shared grandmother.
Get beyond “How are you?”
Do this step quickly by engaging them. Talk about what’s going on in your life and the lives of others they care about. Ask their opinions. Seek their counsel. Engage in some harmless gossip. Make plans. Insist they join the family for an upcoming wedding, graduation or prom night photo shoot. Make it easy.
Give your aging parent meaningful things to do.
Knit the afghan. Update the old family address book. Organize the box of random family photos. Help address envelopes for the holiday greeting or party invitations. Sort the tools in the garage. Go through the Hummel collection and label who gets what.
Go for a ride.
Maybe drive around the old neighborhood, visit the cemetery, stop for ice cream or explore the aisles of Home Depot. Ever had a pedicure? Me neither. Let’s do it.
Take time to do nothing.
Quietly sitting and listening to your parents’ stories may be the best gift you could give them. Ask questions about their childhoods and about yours. Share memories. Go through photo albums. Record them talking. Use a simple resource like “My Grandparent: A Life & Times Journal for Grandchildren of All Ages” to capture history and stories only a grandparent can tell. You’ll have a family heirloom.
At this stage of family life with aging parents the gift of your undivided, unrushed attention is the greatest gift you can give. Your parent thinks, “I’m needed!” And who of us doesn’t need to be needed – it’s ageless.
So, make the investment of time because the returns are priceless. Let there be no regrets!
Note to self: Spend more time with Mom, with Dad. They’re getting older.